Get ready to giggle your way through the day with our hilarious collection of Short Jack Handey quotes! You might not know who he is, but trust us, his quirky humor will quickly become your new favorite thing. As a writer and comedian for Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts” sketches have been making us laugh since the 90s – who else remembers those? Today, we’re shining the spotlight on this comedic genius with over 23 of his most side-splitting quotes that will make you LOL and maybe even inspire your next social media post.
The best way to get what you want is to pretend it’s what you already have.
I once knew a person who was allergic to happiness. Every time they smiled, they broke out in tears.
If I had a magic pen that could make anything I drew come true, I’d draw a picture of myself being late all the time.
The only thing that’s more exhausting than trying to be perfect is trying to pretend you’re not trying to be perfect.
I once saw a man get run over by a steamroller. It took him three days to die. – Jack Handey
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t do any good. – Jack Handey
I once knew a guy who was allergic to everything. He’d break out in hives if he just thought about peanuts. – Jack Handey
If I had a nickel for every time I got laughed at, I’d have enough money to buy all the nickels in the world. – Jack Handey
I once knew a guy who could talk to animals. One day he was walking down the street and saw a dead dog on the sidewalk. He said, ‘Good morning!’ – Jack Handey
The only thing that’s worse than being blind is having no eyes to be blind with. – Jack Handey
I once saw a man get run over by a bus. He got up, dusted himself off and said ‘That was nice.’ – Jack Handey
If I had an hour to solve world peace, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about it, and five minutes saying ‘I’m on it.’ – Jack Handey
The trouble with getting what you want is that it’s very often just what you thought you wanted.
If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. Then give up, it’s stupid. – Jack Handey
I once knew a guy who was so poor he couldn’t afford to buy a gift for his wife on their anniversary. So he gave her a rock. – Jack Handey
If you’re going to make a good first impression, start with a good last one.
I once saw a man get run over by a train. He was killed instantly. – Jack Handey
The only thing that’s better than getting what you want is to have it happen without having to do anything.
I once knew a guy who could talk to animals, but not in any language they understood. – Jack Handey
The trouble with being poor is that it takes so long to get bored.
If you’re going to be a jack-of-all-trades, at least be a master of the trades you’re not very good at. – Jack Handey
I once saw a man get hit by lightning. He died instantly. – Jack Handey
The only thing that’s more difficult than getting what you want is to have it happen without having to do anything.